Friday, September 28, 2012

No Regrets...Well, Just One.

I try to be the kind of person that lives without regret.  I wouldn't take back anything that I've done or said or experienced, as that has made me who I am today.  Except for one thing.  If I could go back in time, there is one event that I experienced that I would drastically change.

Circa 2000:

I am at the orthodontist.  My braces are finally off after 3 years of torture, however I now have to wear a "mouth guard."  Like the plastic mouth guard athletes wear, this contraption has been molded to my teeth, except slightly adjusted so as to train my teeth to get just a wee bit straighter.  So, when I bite into it (as I am told that I will have to do every second that I am awake (and not during school) for the next few months) my teeth slide into the new positions in the mouth guard and are straightened.

Anyway, this mouth guard is clear, yet huge and bulky and I can barely close my lips over the damned thing.  As I am sitting in the orthodontists chair, being told how often I have to wear this hideous thing, I am asked if I wouldn't mind showing it to another patient.  You see, this other patient would have to be wearing the same mouth guard thing in a few weeks, so my orthodontist wanted to prepare her.   Upon being asked this, I reply that I don't mind, and the girl is brought over.  I stick the plastic mouth guard in my mouth, as instructed by my orthodontist, and then smile so this girl can see what's going on in my mouth.

Then, this c*nty girl busts into a laughing fit.  Being a self conscience, gawky, 13-year-old girl, I am mortified and start to cry.  Seeing how upset I am, this douchey blonde, cheerleader-type girl quickly comes up with some stupid excuse about how the mouth guard reminds her of her stupid friends and that it really isn't that bad.

I leave the room to compose myself.  This is the moment.  This is the moment that I will regret for the rest of my life.  If I could relive the next five minutes and have a "do-over" I would pick that opportunity over winning a million dollars.

I should never of left the room.  Here's how it should have gone down:

::Girl laughs at me::

After slapping the shit out of that terrible girl, I call her horrible names and tell her what a worthless human being she is.  Upon departing the office, I locate her guardian and tell them what a worthless human being she is.  I probably spit on the girl, too, at some point...

That. Would. Have. Been. Awesome.

But alas, that didn't happen. I left the office dejected and shamed.

So there you have it, the one thing in my life that I wish I would have done differently. I know it isn't much, but every once in a while, I relive that moment, and it haunts me.


Bitches, man.

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